The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
