i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
