When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
