She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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