A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
People in love make me want to vomit
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
