Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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