Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
