Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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