She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
