I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
