I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
