chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
