Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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