I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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