I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
