Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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