I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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