She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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