I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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