What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
