Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
