i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
