I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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