I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
