When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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