i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
