I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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