she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
