it wasn't lemon gatorade
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
