We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
