Im at strip club and am horny
People in love make me want to vomit
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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