So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize