It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
