Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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