You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
