i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
