I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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