Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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