I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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