im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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