ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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