Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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