I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I touched a dick in church today
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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