'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
