What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
