I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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