things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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