god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
