i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
organizing the empties. That sober.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
