I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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