you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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