their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
