I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Text me some of your sweat
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