He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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