Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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