The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
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