I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
