More tranny stories later!
I just saw a hot homeless man
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
