i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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