I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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