ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Non-Jews are for practice
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
