Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
