I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
